Make your own free website on Tripod.com

Horse Funnies

Home
A Horse's Prayer
All I Need To Know About Life, I Learned From A Cow
All I need to know in life I learned from my horse
Amazing Cow ( Bovine) Facts
Breed-Texas Longhorn
Bullrider
Bull Riding Terminology
Chris LeDoux
Cody Lambert
Cow Facts
Cow Laws
Cow Quiz 1
Cow Wisdom
Dearest God in Heaven
Definitions-Cows
Did You Know-Horses
Don't say around non-horse people
Eight Seconds
Foals and Foaling
Funny Cow Photos
Funny Horse Photos
Good Things About Husbands
Horse Funnies
Horse Anatomy Facts
Horse Superstitions & Wife's Tales
Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo Milestones
Jokes-Cows
Interesting Horse Data & Trivia 1
Interesting Horse Data andTrivia 2
Legacy of the Rodeo Man
Lane Frost
Lessons from A Horse
Miscellaneous Cow Facts
Murphy's Horse Laws
PBR Milestones
Professional Bull Riders (PBR) World Champions
Quiz Answers-Horses-Cows-Bulls
Rodeo Superstitions
Ten Things You Won't Hear Your Horse Say
Seller's Terms...what they say & what they mean...
Terms Related to Cows
The Facts of Life
The Bullrider
The Horse's Handbook
The Horsman's Dictionary
Top 10 Spooky Things-A horse's point of view
Tuff Hedeman
Ty Monroe Murray
What color is that horse
Who Can Open the Gate
You Know You're A Horse-a-holic When.....
You know you're a horse person when
You Might Be A Dairy Farmer...

horse1.gif

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising force. No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender left the bar and asked meekly, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

 

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it. Thank Goodness for heroes!

 

A man just bought two horses. However, he could not tell them apart. So, after a day's worth of confusion, he went to his neighbor for help. "I can't tell my horses apart," he said, "can you help me?" The neighbor thought for a moment, and then said "Well, why don't you dock one of the horse's tails? Then you can tell them apart." So the man agreed it was a good idea and did just that when he got home. The next day, when he was plowing the field, the horse without a docked tail got his tail caught and it ripped so it looked exactly like the other's tail. The man went back to his neighbor and explained what happened. The neighbor thought, and finally said "Why don't you cut a slit in one of the horse's ears? Then you can tell them apart." So the man went home and did that. The next day, when he was driving his horses down the road, the horse without a slit got his ear got in barbed wire and it tore, just like the others. The poor man was getting fed up, so he went to see his neighbor again. His neighbor thought for a long time, and replied "Why don't you measure them?" The man immediately did that upon returning home, and was very glad to find that the black horse was two inches taller then the white one.

 

Bobby's horse was playing games on the computer when Bobby's father walked in to the room.

"That horse is amazing!" said Bobby's father.

"Not really," say Bobby. "He's already lost three games."

 

"Mother", said a little boy after coming from a walk. "I've seen a man who makes horses."

"Are you sure?" asked his mother.

"Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet."

 

We lost our horse. It got away while we were on vacation.

Why not put an ad in the newspaper "Lost & Found" column?

Don't be ridiculous. He can't read!

 

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge black frying pan. Boing!

Man: "What was that for?!"

Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pant's pocket with the name Marylou written on it?!"

Man: "Oh honey. Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the house, feeling a bit sheepish.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. Boing!!

Man: "What's that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called!"

 

Mutt and Jeff went shopping for horses.

When they each had found the horse they wanted, they were in a quandary.

"How will we tell which horse is yours and which is mine?" asked Mutt

"You crop your horse's ears, and I'll leave mine as they are!" answered Jeff.

"No!!! That would hurt your horse!" said Mutt, "I'll cut my horse's tail, and you keep your horse's tail long."

"No, no!!!" shouted Jeff," horses need their tails long for balance!!"

"I know!!" exclaimed Mutt, "Branding!!! I'll put a big 'X' on the rear of my horse, and you put a big 'Y' on the front of your horse."

"No, no, no!!! My horse is too beautiful to mark up like that!" yelled Jeff.

"I've got it!!!" Mutt said. "You take the black one, I'll take the white one!"

 

One morning the farmer went out at sunrise to feed the horses, he fed all of his horses but one. As he was walking to his mare's stall to feed her, he discovered she wasn't there. So he told his wife and they looked for her all day and finally at sunset the farmer opens the door to the barn and discovers his mare with her head in a half empty bag of sweet feed, and the farmer yells to his wife: "FOUND'ER!"

There was a preacher who was trying to sell his horse. A man stopped by to see how the horse rode. The preacher told the man that instead of saying, “walk", say, “praise the Lord,” and instead of saying, “whoa,” say, “amen.” So the man got on the horse and said, “praise the Lord,” and the horse started to walk. The man then said, “praise the Lord,” again and the horse started to trot. He said it a few more times, then the horse started galloping. Suddenly a cliff appeared. The man yelled "Whoa!". The horse didn't stop. He tried yelling al sorts of things, and he tried to pull the horse up, but it wouldn't stop. Then suddenly he remembered what to say. The man said, “amen.” The horse stopped right before they fell off. The man was so releived that he put his hand on his forehead and then said, ”Praise the Lord.”

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Betsy. The man asked for help. The farmer said Betsy could pull his car out. So he backed Betsy up and hitched Betsy to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Betsy just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Betsy, pull." Betsy pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Betsy is blind, and if she thought she was the only one pulling she wouldn't even try.

A horse walked into the Ice Cream shop. "I'll get a chocolate ice cream cone" The horse said. The Ice Cream Man, John, gave the horse the cone. The horse, having a $10 bill in his wallet, gave the money to John. Since John thought the horse wouldn't know a thing about money, he gave the horse one dollar back. "Thanks for coming," John said to the horse. "We don't get many horses around here!" The horse replied "Well, it's no wonder for $9.00 a cone!"

Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed. The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance: no foot, no horse!" The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with and I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!" The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected..."

A mean school principal who rides on weekends went into a tack store and asked for one spur. "One spur?" said the store owner, "Surely you mean two spurs?" "No," said the principal, "Just one will do. If I can get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it."

Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" she bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"

One day Mary said to her husband Bob, "Why don't we get ourselves two horses? We could go on trail rides and we can keep them in the paddock behind the house." Bob thought that it was a good idea, so the next day they came home with two horses. There was one problem, however. They couldn't tell the two apart! Sometimes they would get confused and ride the wrong horse. They sat down to have a talk about what they could do to tell the horses apart. Bob said, "Well, I'll shave my horse's mane off, and we can tell them apart that way!" After a few months, the mane grew back, and they had the same problem. "I'll cut my horse's tail short, so then we can tell them apart!" said Mary. But, the tail grew out, and they still had a problem! They decided to measure the horses. Bob would have the biggest one, and Mary would have the smaller one. Guess what they found? The brown one was two inches taller than the gray one!

Jenny wasn't very smart, but she watched westerns all the time and she was sure that if she got the chance, she would be able to ride any horse! One day as she was walking along, she saw a horse, already saddled and bridled. She looked around to make sure no one saw her, then though 'If I just take a short ride, then bring the horse back, the owner won't notice'. So she climbed up on its back, and started her ride. At first things went well, then suddenly the horse bolted forward at a full gallop! She dropped the reins and held on to the horn for dear life! Then, as the horse continued to gallop madly, her right foot started to slip from the stirrup. She tried to keep from slipping, but the saddle was slick and the horse was jolting her around. She slipped farther, and farther, until her arm could no longer hold on. As her arm gave out, she slipped to the ground, and hit it with a thud. But, to her horror, she saw that her foot had gotten caught in the stirrup! She started screaming for help, hoping that someone would notice her being dragged by the runaway horse. Just as she was about to faint, she saw someone running toward her. He bent over and pulled the cord, and the mechanical Wal-Mart horse stopped moving.

Two stupid men bought a bunch of horses at an auction, paying one hundred dollars apiece for them. Then they drove to another auction, and sold all their horses for the same price they'd paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started with. "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda bought more horses!"

The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady. "The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy. "If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."

The cowboy rushed into to saloon yelling, "All right, who's the wise guy that painted my horse yellow?" There was silence in the saloon. 'Fess up if you dare," shouted the cowboy. With that, the biggest, meanest-looking hombre he had ever seen got up from one of the tables, rested his hands on his gun handles and coolly stated, "I did, whaddaya want to tell me?"
The cowboy looked up and down at this terrifying figure, swallowed hard and replied, "Just thought you'd like know, the first coat's dry!"

An Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own horse ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams out west. "So what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when came to visit. "We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy, couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond ABC XYZ Ranch. "Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So where are all the horses?" "None of 'em survived the branding."

Thanks for stopping by and y'all come back now ya hear!